… Hey y’all… so let me be transparent for a moment… I took the last two weeks off from the blog because as you know I stopped taking my anxiety meds due to all of the negative side effects I was having. Well of course, I knew that with coming off the meds I’d have some days that would be harder than others but what I began to experience was way worse than anything I could ever imagine. I literally felt like a raving lunatic. I struggled (and still am). And because of that I felt uninspired to write anything, do anything or go anywhere by myself.
So, let me tell you what happened… I started using CBD supplements… total legal… so judge your momma before you judge me.. lol. But anyways initially I felt great! Like I had climbed the biggest mountain ever… and I felt that way for about a week… but then the tide changed… I had to drive myself to work Monday before last and I literally felt like I was crumbling on the drive home. Now, that morning I drove to work pretty much with no issues. I had some anxious moments but nothing major… nothing I couldn’t push through. I felt so liberated and empowered when I pulled up to work! I had done it or so I thought…
The evening comes and it’s time to leave and I’m literally shaking like a leaf as I’m walking to the car. I felt uneasy. I couldn’t calm myself but I knew I had to leave to pick up the kids since Josh would be working later… well honey… that nervous feeling turned into the ride home from HELL you hear me?! I knew it was going to be bad when I got to a tiny bridge that I’ve driven over 1000 times before and had to pull over. I called my best friend and just cried because I felt so defeated. Like everything that I had just accomplished that morning had just been thrown out the window. Like it was a dream… and it never happened. I was a complete wreck.
My best friend did the best she could to talk me down… and walk me through so I calmed down a little. Enough to get over the bridge. Tears streamed down my face the whole way… at one point I literally felt like all hope was gone. I was a hopeless case…. I proceeded on with my best friend on the phone. Crying at times. Screaming at others. Angry and belligerent. In those moments I really felt like God forgot about me. Like a complete failure….
Fast forward and I’m literally 15 mins away from Caleb’s Jiu Jitsu class and I had to stop again… why?! Because I was completely petrified to get on I-95 to go one freaking exit y’all!! One mile on 95 and I felt physically sick to my stomach. All the while my best friend again just sat on the phone with me. Encouraged me. Prayed for me. And PUSHED me to do what I needed to do to get to my son.
I had a complete breakdown on 95… I screamed, cried all while driving barely 45mph. Cars were flying past me… looking at me like I was a lunatic all the while I felt like one. I felt like I was going to die on 95…. This was the worst my anxiety had ever been. But guess what y’all? I made it to the exit, got off and proceeded to get Caleb & then Kelsey. And we then journeyed home together while Sesame Street played on the radio. I had done it. I had pushed through….
Now fast forward to this week and I rode with Josh to work. I decided to be adventurous one day and drive us back home. I started off doing ok but when it came time for me to get on the turnpike… that nervous feeling came rearing its ugly head again!! This time I had Josh with me…. and he talked me through… You know what he said? “Hey, stay in this moment, stop thinking about what’s going to happen next. Focus on the now. Be present in the moment you’re creating right now. Be intentional. Let the moment end before you move to the next thing”… My husband is pretty smart, right?! Lol don’t tell him I told you so though. Lol just kidding.
But the reality is what he said was the complete truth. That’s part of the battle with anxiety. Your mind never stops thinking about the next “bad” thing. And if you let it, it will take over you. You will be consumed with pessimistic thoughts and worse case scenario situations in your head that will mess you all the way UP!!
So, what’s the lesson this week? Stop, slow down and focus on the now. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn’t here. Stay on today. Live moment to moment. Stop looking ahead on the road of your life and worrying about what you think you see up there that may cause you problems. You’re not there yet and it could change before you even get there….
Until next time…. Peace, Love & Light!